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MONROE, OR — In the early hours of Wednesday morning, local woman Emily Patterson reportedly launched what experts are calling a “precision-targeted rib jab” into the soft flank of her peacefully unconscious husband, Greg, in a final, desperate effort to end what has been described by neighbors as a “low-frequency death rattle.”
According to sources within the Patterson household, the snoring began around 11:42 p.m. and quickly escalated to a decibel level just shy of a commercial-grade leaf blower. Emily, a veteran of twelve winters of marital snore warfare, initially attempted standard countermeasures: rolling over forcefully, passive-aggressive sighing, and violently adjusting the blankets in hopes of startling
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