UnitedHealthcare Announces Bold New Plan To Cover Nothing

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MINNETONKA, MN — In a daring move sure to disrupt the healthcare industry, UnitedHealthcare unveiled its most ambitious policy overhaul yet: a bold new plan to cover absolutely nothing.

“We’ve listened to our customers,” said CEO Clive E. Denial, during a press conference held in a padded room lined with unpaid claim forms. “And what we heard loud and clear is: ‘We’re confused, exhausted, and financially ruined.’ So we thought—why not streamline that process?”

Under the new plan, officially titled the FreedomCare UltraZero™, customers will enjoy the freedom of paying monthly premiums without the pesky burden of receiving medical coverage. All claims will be denied automatically by

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