“This Protest Sure Is Neato,” Says Man Who Hasn’t Moved More Than 6 Feet Since Clocking Out, While His Meatloaf Waits at Home

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PORTLAND, OR — Local accountant Greg Waller, 42, expressed mild admiration through clenched teeth Thursday evening as he sat motionless in traffic for the third consecutive hour due to a massive anti-Trump protest downtown.

“This protest sure is neato,” Waller muttered to himself, beads of stress sweat soaking into his collar as a group of teenagers with painted signs and an alarming number of tambourines danced past his windshield. “Really glad I get to participate in civic engagement against my will.”

Waller, who clocked out of work at exactly 5:02 p.m. and has since progressed a total of six feet, originally planned to eat leftover meatloaf and

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