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In a bold and completely normal security upgrade, Tesla has officially deployed fire-breathing robot dogs to patrol its dealerships nationwide. The flamethrower-equipped quadrupeds, affectionately dubbed “CyberHounds,” have already proven to be highly effective at deterring crime, unwanted protests, and people who “just want to look.”
“Elon said we should ‘release the hounds,’ and now here we are,” said a Tesla spokesperson, casually adjusting their fireproof vest. “They’re fully autonomous, environmentally friendly, and only mildly terrifying to anyone who values their eyebrows.”
Equipped with AI facial recognition, CyberHounds can distinguish between potential buyers and Tesla haters with over 97% accuracy. Those identified as “hostile entities” (e.g., people muttering
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