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In a shocking turn of events, Portland officials announced that this year’s highly anticipated Naked Bike Ride has been abruptly canceled after the city completely ran out of eye bleach. The shortage occurred just days before the annual event, leaving local residents in a state of panic as they scrambled to cope with the horrifying memories of previous rides.
City spokesperson Jamie “Please-Don’t-Make-Me-Describe-It” Simmons explained the decision, stating, “We simply cannot risk another year of unfiltered visuals. We’ve exhausted our emergency reserves of eye bleach, and even the industrial-strength shipments from out of state weren’t enough. We’re doing this for public safety, really.”
Sources report that local
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