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OREGON COAST — In a scene described by witnesses as “like Gollum but with better accessories,” a Portland man known only as “Dreadmor, Lord of the Drizzle” emerged from a mossy coastal cave on Monday, flinching at the brightness of the midday sun and audibly hissing at a passing jogger.
Witnesses report that the sound was “somewhere between a snake and an old radiator,” and that several seagulls fled the area in a panic. One child allegedly dropped their driftwood sword and whispered, “Is that the cave witch Mommy warned me about?”
Clad entirely in black and pale enough to register as a reflective surface, Dreadmor slowly
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