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Faced with an unprecedented rise in crime, Portland’s City Council has taken decisive action—by officially decriminalizing all crime. In a unanimous vote on Tuesday night, officials opted to remove all criminal penalties from the books, arguing that traditional laws were “exacerbating systemic inequities” and “unfairly targeting marginalized criminals.”
Under the new “Restorative Criminal Justice Initiative,” residents are encouraged to engage in “meaningful dialogue” with perpetrators rather than resorting to outdated methods like calling the police. To aid in this transition, the city has distributed a taxpayer-funded pamphlet titled How to Respectfully Request That You Not Be Mugged, offering suggested de-escalation phrases such as:
“I acknowledge your
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