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WILLAMETTE VALLEY, OR — In a groundbreaking yet deeply unsettling discovery, scientists at Oregon State University have confirmed the spontaneous emergence of a glow-in-the-dark humanoid creature from the depths of the notoriously murky Willamette River.
According to witnesses, the creature, described as “a radioactive swamp god with a mop”, rose from the water near downtown Portland just after sunset, emitting a low gurgle and smelling vaguely of diesel, disappointment, and expired kombucha.
“We were collecting samples to study algae blooms,” said Dr. Heather Klein, lead researcher on OSU’s Aquatic Mutation Task Force, “and then this… thing just sort of crawled out, flexed, and asked if we had
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