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SALEM, OR — In a historic and absolutely necessary move, Oregon officials have replaced the iconic Gold Man statue atop the State Capitol with a shirtless, vape-clutching dad bod guy, a bold tribute to the future of civilization.
The new statue, affectionately dubbed “Rip the Pioneer”, stands in the same powerful stance as his predecessor, except now he’s rocking a solid beer belly and cargo shorts. In one hand, he confidently grips a bright blue vape, purchased from a local strip mall vape shop, while his other hand remains firmly planted on his hip in a pose that suggests he’s either about to launch into a heated
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