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SPRINGFIELD, OR — A local man successfully executed a highly strategic window roll-up maneuver this morning, narrowly avoiding both an excessively friendly Dutch Bros barista and the ear-piercing bass of yet another shitty mumble rap track.
Eyewitnesses report that 35-year-old Michael Davidson, a seasoned veteran of the Dutch Bros drive-thru, knew exactly what was coming the moment he pulled in. “I’ve been through this before. You have to plan ahead,” Davidson told reporters, still clutching his medium iced Americano like a war survivor clutching a ration pack.
Sources confirm that as soon as Davidson muttered his order into the speaker, he immediately rolled up his window, sealing
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