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ORLANDO, FL — A groundbreaking new theme park is making headlines for its two revolutionary promises: no children in the lazy river — and every adult will be aggressively blacked out by lunchtime.
Lazy River Lagoon, opening this summer, has been described as “Spring Break meets early retirement” — a chlorine-soaked utopia where adults can relax, drink excessively, and not once have to dodge a rogue Baby Ruth bobbing beside them.
“We’ve eliminated the number one threat to adult happiness in the water: children with questionable bathroom habits,” said park spokesperson Tammy Driftwood. “And replaced them with something better: alcohol. So, so much alcohol.”
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