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PORTLAND, OR — In a newly released report blending cautious optimism with a strong whiff of apocalyptic dread, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced Wednesday that while a zombie outbreak is “probably unlikely,” it is also “definitely beginning inside Portland’s Amtrak Station,” where the line between drug-induced stupor and undead uprising has officially become too blurry to call.
“We can’t confirm the presence of actual zombies,” said Dr. Karen Hollister, lead analyst with the CDC’s Crisis Projection Unit. “But we can confirm that what’s happening in and around the station is deeply concerning, deeply decomposed, and almost certainly chewing on someone’s ankle as we
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