40-Year-Old Hiker Eager to Rediscover That One Weird Knee Pain Again This Weekend

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BEND, OR — Local 40-year-old insurance adjuster and recreational hiker Kyle Marston is reportedly gearing up for another exciting weekend on the trails, where he fully expects to rediscover that same vague, mysterious knee pain that’s been haunting him since a poorly timed leap off a rock in 2017.

“I don’t know what it is,” said Marston, lovingly tightening his decade-old hiking boots over two compression sleeves and a sense of impending doom. “It only happens when I go downhill, uphill, turn, stand still too long, or think about squatting. It’s tradition at this point.”

Friends report Marston has done no stretching, refuses physical therapy, and insists

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