Individual Now and Laters
Do you want to pull a molar out? Because that’s how you pull a molar out. If the paradoxically sour-yet-flavorless taste of these jerks doesn’t make you spit it out immediately, the jaw ache after minutes of working into a spit-soaked waxy mouth lump will. If you’re the person who gives these out, I want you to find the well-meaning neighbor who stocks up on tooth brushes and wax lips so you can learn a thing or two about how to half-ass Halloween.
Dots
Who are you? And why are you giving money to the company who somehow figured out the secrets to ruining gummy candy? I know gummies are made with gelatin, horse hooves, and salt, but normally you can’t tell–unless you have the misfortune of eating a Dot. Honestly, I’d be much more excited about them if I knew they contained some illegal animal parts, but in addition to being tiny boring bombs, these assholes are actually vegan. Which makes them even worse. Stretched across your teeth like the blandest of denture-flavored spider webs, Dots leave you with no choice but to keep tasting them all night.
Laffy Taffy
Look, I’m not going to NOT eat it. That would just be wasteful. But I also don’t care about it–at all. The effort of warming it up under my arm on a cold winter morning almost makes it not worth bothering, but when I’m desperate for something sweet I’m not going to be too picky. Unless said Laffy Taffy is banana flavored, because those go straight into the garbage from whence they came.
Sixlets
They’re somewhat chocolatey, and the packaging is good for turning these disappointing babies into a projectile, but then it’s all down hill. Likely marketed to give M&Ms what for, Sixlets are only effective at satiating the most basic of sweet teeth. I’m sure at one point they came in a full-sized version, but consumers quickly realized what utter bullshit they were and President Sixlets decreed that they should only make products for cheap ass mixed candy bags suitable for last minute purchases on Halloween morning. Take some pride in this hallowed day, would you?
Cream Soda Dum Dums
Now we’re getting somewhere. If you’re going to be a cheapskate about Halloween candy, at least do it with some panache. Yes, all the wrappers come off immediately, and yes, if you were going to poison candy these would be an obvious choice, but who doesn’t love the satisfying crunch of a Cream Soda Dum Dum? Effervescent, classic, and rich, these little babies pack so much flavor into such a small package. Honestly, all the flavors are pretty good, with the exception of butterscotch, but I keep them around so I have something to trade with friends. Stupid friends, to be honest.
Skittles
Ah, the candy of least resistance. Does anyone hate a Skittle? No, they do not. You can go for the basic original flavored red pack and you probably won’t get some fourth graders taking a dump on your porch, but why not go the extra mile and grab the seasonally appropriate CAULDRON FLAVOR? These spooky babes are a mixture of tangerine, berry, pear, grape, and lemon–much tastier than the boring OG flavor assortment. They come in a neon orange bag that just screams HALLOWEEN BITCHES, which is the exact right thing for them to scream.
Three Musketeers Bars
While I can’t stomach a full sized Three Musketeers, a couple snack sized ones are the perfect pick me up between egging houses. The chocolate coating is satisfying, the nougat comfortingly passive, and the aftertaste cloying yet tasty. While not my favorite of chocolate confections, you could do much worse than passing out a few bags of these perfectly average treats.
100 Grand Bars
Oh, 100 Grand, could anything that looks just like a poop ever be more delicious? I assert that it could not. Crackly rice, creamy caramel, and just enough chocolate to taste sorta expensive, 100 Grand bars are always a welcome sight in my pillow case. Unlike other fun size candy bars, you can actually take a couple bites of 100 Grand, making them feel more substantial than, say, a fun size Snickers. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a 100 Grand in the wild outside of Halloween, so they have the added benefit of being so strongly associated with the holiday that I can’t wait to rip one open.
Tootsie Pops/Tootsie Fruit Rolls
When the moon is full in the October sky, and the breeze is scented with burning leaves and waxy candles puddling in pumpkins, nothing makes the sensory experience of Halloween more complete than crunching down on a red Tootsie Pop. The shards of cherry sucker folding into stiff yet sensuous chocolate filling is the exact taste of the spookiest time of the year. And if you aren’t into the dangerous game of possibly cracking a canine, get some of the delicious Tootsie Fruit Rolls up in your candy gig.
Mini Milk Duds
The real MVP of trick or treat are the miniature boxes of Milk Duds. Unlike the vile Dots, these delicious caramel bullets explode in your mouth with a rush of cheap yet compelling chocolate coating, lingering long after you wear them down enough to swallow.