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BREAKING: The long-awaited Epstein list is finally set to be released today, and officials insist—without a single wink or nervous glance—that it is completely unaltered, totally uncompromised, and in no way missing any names that might cause billionaires to break out in cold sweats.
“This is the full, unedited list, exactly as it was,” said a government spokesperson, carefully positioning their body in front of a nearby shredder. “Every single person who had any involvement whatsoever is accounted for. You can trust us, because, well… you have to.”
The document, already leaked in pieces online, appears to contain a remarkably high number of grocery store clerks, dog
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