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PORTLAND, OR — In a city famous for its love of drizzle, gloom, and perfectly damp mornings, three consecutive days of sunshine have sent locals into a full-blown existential crisis. Hundreds of Portlanders gathered downtown on Sunday to demand the immediate return of their beloved gray skies, calling the relentless sunshine “an attack on our culture of introspection and melancholy.”
“We’re not built for this kind of weather,” said Juniper Moss, clutching an iced oat milk latte while shielding her face with a vintage raincoat hood. “My lily-white skin can’t take it! Three days of sunshine and I’m already two shades away from lobster. Portland is a
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